


Why the Avengers Shouldn't Babysit

by Jarffe



Category: The Avengers (2012), Thor (2011)
Genre: Baby!Loki, Fanart, Gen, Shield is mysterious, The Avengers have no life skills
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-05-14
Updated: 2012-05-22
Packaged: 2017-11-05 09:14:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/404727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jarffe/pseuds/Jarffe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki gets turned into a baby. The Avengers fail at Babysitting. Fury wonders why he didn't hire anyone with common sense.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Due to a rogue plot device Loki turned into a baby while fighting the Avengers. After the initial flash where Loki changed from a tall man to a tiny baby there was an abrupt stop in the fighting and everyone stared.

Thor, realising that his brother was now small and defenceless swooped down next to him and gave him a hug. Baby!Loki just gurgled at this started to chew his hair, for the first time in countless years happy to be held by his sort of brother. Unfortunately he yanked hard on Thor’s hair causing him to startle and drop him. (This is why it is a bad idea to pick up a baby you find in the middle of the street when you have no clue how to hold them)

Luckily Captain America had come over to see what the hell had just happened, and caught the falling baby with his super reflexes, preventing brain damage. (And by caught I mean he grabbed his foot as he fell and there was an upside down baby. And by preventing brain damage I mean that his head didn't make a crunching sound, and when some medical personnel got around to giving Baby!Loki an MRI they didn't find anything indicating brain damage (though they did find an extra 3 hemispheres, a snow globe, the higgs boson and Carmen Sandiego)) This goes to show that trying to apply sensible science to Loki is a lost cause.

Steve stared at the baby that he was holding and promptly passed it onto the nearest person he thought would actually be able to handle a baby. Unfortunately, due to some miss placed attitudes and lack of common sense or observational skills, he tried to give it to Natasha. She reacted in the way she had been trained to (She hadn't been trained to deal specifically with a baby!Loki but Natasha was flexible and quickly adapted her training with poisonous animals, bombs and explosive soufflés to deal). Baby!Loki proceeded to go flying in the air. This delighted him, if the gurgles were anything to go by. 

Luckily he went flying towards Tony who had been hovering above the group. Unluckily Tony's reaction to babies coming towards him was to run away really fast and call a lawyer. Luckily Baby!Loki had a rudimentary grasp on gravity and that the ground was hard (this was due partly to his early interest in physics and how to break it and partly due to Thor liking to throw stuff(including baby!Loki)) so he floated softly down and gently landed on the ground. 

After bandaging Steve's wounds and resetting his arm the group approached the baby and tried to come up with a solution for moving it. Baby!Loki appeared to be quite content to lie on the ground and chew on a piece of rubble. The general consensus was that a bomb squad should be called. Before it came to that, the lawyer Tony called showed up and fortunately she turned out to be qualified to move the baby, she had 3 nieces’ two nephews and siblings who thought that family meant free babysitting.

After getting baby!Loki back to the mansion with no more major problems (there were several minor ones when some old ladies cooed over the 'cute little dear' Loki didn't mind but Thor freaked out thinking they were trying to kidnap him. In order to stop them from reporting Thor to the police Captain America had to pose for several photos with them to go on their Facebook). They were stumped with what to do with him. Tony's lawyer made a makeshift crib but after that she went on her lunch break leaving the four Avengers alone with one of their greatest foes.

Loki smiled and rolled over for a nap.

Tony used every single measuring and monitoring device he could find on the evil magic baby, all of which came to the same conclusion. That baby!Loki was having a nap (you might wonder why a tape measure and Geiger counter even has a reading for a Loki!nap but that is because Tony Stark is prepared for anything).

Unsure what else to do they left Thor standing guard (who he was protecting was uncertain) and retreated to the kitchen. After a short conversation, which mainly involved insulting various deities, Tony had a brilliant idea. He managed to combine Steve's earlier mistake with his earlier mistake. He called Pepper. She listened attentively for 10 minutes before declaring that she was unfortunately unavailable as she had spontaneously decided to take some of her unused vacation time and go to the other side of the world, she would be back in a week or when Loki turned back, whichever came later.

It was at this point that Nick Fury came bursting through the front door (it has be scientifically proven that Fury is incapable of just going through a door, there needs to be an exciting adjective describing his motions). He stopped and stared at the sight which greeted him. Baby!Loki had woken up and was playing peekaboo with Thor (by that I mean that Loki was turning invisible and Thor kept freaking out). 

After a bizarre and convoluted explanation (“I don’t remember there being any rapid bears or lingerie models in the fight, Tony”. “Well you just weren’t looking Steve”). Fury hit everyone on the back of the head and demanded to know where their two missing team mates where. The last time anyone had seen Clint had been just after baby!Loki had appeared, Steve recalled hearing him swear in every language that has ever existed and then either disappearing or running away so fast that it seemed like he disappeared. The general consensus was that he was currently somewhere that no one would ever find him (this was a lie. Nick Fury can always find you). The Hulk had taken one look at baby!Loki, Hulked out even more and bounced off in the other direction.

Fury demanded that they take baby!Loki to the shield headquarters so that they could examine him and determine if he was still evil and trying to take over the world. Baby!Loki smiled and rolled over. The Avengers refused, as they really didn’t want to move him. 

Fury wished that he had recruited people with some life skills to his exclusive fighting club, picked up baby!Loki and marched out the door. Thor followed him out. The rest of the Avengers exchanged fist bumps and collapsed on the couch.

After several hours of testing it was determined that Loki was indeed a baby and that he ranked an ‘awwww, can I hold him’ on the cuteness scale (this is above a ‘isn’t he cute’ but below ‘you’re a baby!’ (Incoherence and obvious observations are a warning sign of imminent cuteness overload)). It was also determined that due to his vital signs he was both dead and actually a 10 foot shark. After the doctors diagnosed baby!Loki with a benzene deficiency Fury decided to take him away. 

Fury strapped Baby!Loki into a carrier on his chest to help to make him easier to carry (he would have left him with someone else but everyone had either fled in terror or tried to kidnap him as he was so cute. And there was the one person who had tried to do both) and proceeded on with his day. His current task was trying to creatively explain to the politicians who funded shield why they spent $200,000 on phone bills last month (it was an interesting explanation involving time travel, inter dimensional zombies and a puffer fish). He eventually decided to use his usual explanation (we used the money. Got a problem, talk to our financial manager. (Shield’s financial manager was a mysterious man/woman who few people had seen. Fury only saw them when they dropped through the vents with the monthly report (the man/woman confusion was because they were always dressed in a full ninja outfit and only communicated in perfectly written haiku’s that were intricately folded into origami shapes). People who complained to the financial manager tended to disappear and turn up on Macquarie Island with a crippling fear of paper cuts and starfish.))

Baby!Loki happily looked around the office and gurgled to himself happily.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Thor stared at the most fearsome challenge he had ever faced. His (now literal) baby brother was starting to emit a stench most foul.

Fury had let Thor care for Loki only after 1 hour straight of Thor saying please (pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease) and a 3 hour crash course on child care. He now knew that babies should be held carefully and not dropped (or stabbed or set fire to or smashed with a hammer or bitten, he was starting to think that he hadn’t been a very good elder brother). Currently he was in the director’s office, looking after Loki while Fury went and disciplined his staff (the guys in R&D had made another perpetual motion machine. In this department we obey the laws of thermodynamics!). He had been gone for 6 minutes and Thor was beginning to panic (Actually he started to panic at the 12 second mark but now he was really starting to freak out).

Baby!Loki had been happily lying on the play mat on the ground reading several classified documents that Fury had left behind. However he had not quite mastered bowl control yet and hoped that someone would change his nappy soon. Big!Thor seemed to be quite useless at this as he was pacing around the room muttering. Maybe he could call the nice black big!person back to help? Or he could find a big!person who looked less like they were about to have a mental breakdown.

Mind made up Loki crawled over to the door and when it refused to open to his weak shove he crawled through it (this magic had been at first difficult but it was similar to letting heavy blocks pass through him when Thor threw them). He immediately crawled towards the big!person he thought would know how to change a nappy. It turned out that it was Fred from accounting. Fred was 7 foot tall, a black belt in tae kwon do and came 3rd in the New York City Marathon last year. He also did baby sitting in his youth for extra cash (he liked the older kids as they would take one look at him and shut up, but the babies were adorable and it wasn’t their fault they were so small and helpless)

Fred had been walking past Fury’s office on his way to the break room when he felt a small tug. Looking down he saw a tiny baby who gave him a shy smile and then made a complicated gesture which Fred took to mean that he needed a nappy change and his previous caretaker was a llama. When Fred voiced this the baby shook his head and changed the gesture slightly and Fred realised he meant an idiot (or an idiot lama).

Now Fred remembered the talk they had given everyone at orientation about not touching anything that mysteriously turned up, but it looked so cute. When he told the baby that he really should take it down to be examined by science people, Loki just turned on the puppy dog eyes. Fred melted (though not literally, last Tuesday really sucked). The pair quickly hammered out an agreement that Fred would change his nappy if Loki promised not to explodinate like the cute fluffy rabbit that had turned up last week (It had been sent by some evil villain with a bunny fetish (or at least that’s what the science guys said. They had refused to elaborate but Fred’s friend Tristan had seen a crate of bunnies go down to the lab)).

With that Loki led Fred back to the room with the nappies and Big!Thor. Fred ignored the gibbering Norseman and changed baby!Loki’s nappy. After that was done the pair had a brief conversation in which Baby!Loki assured Fred that Big!Thor was not actually crazy and it was perfectly fine to leave him with him. (Thor gaped at the bizarre conversation before realising that he could comprehend it as well as most of his brother’s conversations.)

Fred was unsure as he had seen Thor at the company picnic last year and not only had he made the Thompson’s baby cry by made really bizarre faces but had also managed to set fire to himself, Bruce (who then rabidly (and rapidly) became the hulk) and a tree (This did cause less destruction than the year before company picnic but Thor didn’t have the excuse of sectoral heterochromia iridis affecting his actions). As Fred didn’t want to be responsible for a baby getting second degree burns he convinced Thor to go down to a break room where others could help him (“The break room has coffee” “Let’s go”).

Unfortunately when they got there it turned out that there was a WHAM meeting going on (Women wHo Are Marvellous). Thor and Fred immediately got the punishment for men who interrupted a WHAM meeting (It involves a wham to a certain part of the anatomy that causes males to shriek like 6 year old girls). Baby!Loki escaped the punishment by sucking on his thumb in a really cute way (and also creating a really powerful force field).

As the men were lying on the ground yowling in agony (At this point I’m starting to worry about how many of her team mate Natasha has taken out while they’re holding a Baby!Loki) there was the question of what to do with a baby (Natasha still thought that the bomb squad was a viable option). As the meeting was almost at the point where they would all get drunk and complain, it was decided that the newest member would have to babysit him. Darcy was pointed in the direction of baby!Loki, shoved out side and the door was slammed shut.

Darcy adjusted her grip on Baby!Loki, stepped over the men and made her way through Shield to Fury’s office (rumour had it that Fury liked Baby!Loki, if not rumour also had it that he ate babies, so either way the problem was off her hands). Baby!Loki happily babbled to Darcy.

When they got to the office Fury wasn’t there however there was baby stuff so Darcy set baby!Loki down on the floor mat and sat down to wait. Baby!Loki was tired from the day excitement and was starting to list to the side. Whenever Darcy moved he would shake himself and smile at her. Darcy was trying to concentrate on her phone but Loki was so….so cute. It was hard to resist. After Baby!Loki rubbed his eyes, she had to give in. She slid to the floor and started to make baby noises (“NO I DIDN’T. You have no proof.”).

Baby!Loki was glad that he was being worshiped as was his due but right now it was nap time. However he got the big!person to grab him a blankie before curling up to sleep.

Darcy couldn’t help but use her iphone to take photos of the sleeping Baby!god from every angle. And then post them on Facebook. And then just admire the tiny hands and tiny feet and tiny nose (he was like a tiny person!). She lay down on floor next to him to get a closer look. Hmmm, the floor was actually really comfortable. She closed her eyes.

*

THUMP. Darcy sat up immediately. Her danger sensor was going off. Baby!Loki wasn’t lying on the floor sleeping. Shit.

She looked in the direction of the thump. He was there on the floor next to bookcase. Thank every god. It seemed the thump had come from him dropping a book on the floor. He was making grabby hand motions at the something at the top of the bookcase. Darcy laughed to herself in relief and stood to make her way over to him.

Noticing that a big!person was coming towards him baby!Loki pointed to the book that he wanted. It would help with his plan.

Darcy just smiled and waved her finger at him. “You don’t need another book. Look you have a book on the floor next to you”

Loki let out an all suffering sigh, that book was about the woman who swallowed a fly (I don’t know why she swallowed a fly, or why Fury has it). If you want something, do it yourself. He floated up to the correct shelf and grabbed the book. It looked like it was just as interesting as he hoped.

Darcy stared. Then got out her phone and started filming it. Then stared some more.

It was at this point the Fury marched into the room. He fixed Darcy with a look and held out his hand. She sighed and handed over her phone (this was the fourth phone that had been confiscated for ‘filming thing inappropriate to go on Facebook’ (She hadn’t been stalking Steve to get the photos. She had been performing a national service to the women of America)). Loki was sitting on the floor avidly reading his stolen book (It was just what he needed!).

Fury rubbed his forehead and wished that he had taken his mother’s advice and become a neurosurgeon. It would have been so much less complicated.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The comment about perpetual motion machines is from The Simpsons. The rest of it from my brain which is a scary, scary place. 
> 
> So this has now become a multi chaptered story. I will be posting updates whenever I have the time. There isn't currently a plot but one might appear later. Thank you so much to everyone who's read this and especially those that have left comments and kudos. You made me write more (Which isn't something I'm certain I should be thanking you about as I really should be doing other things)

**Author's Note:**

> This is a fill from the kink meme [prompt](http://norsekink.livejournal.com/8195.html?thread=17300227#t17300227). Someone commented about Fury carrying baby!Loki around in a carrier and I couldn't resist drawing it. And then I wrote a short explanation about why and it became an actual fic by accident.
> 
> This was the first time I used Photoshop for this sort of thing so if anyone has any constructive criticism that would be welcome. I have some other drawing in my sketch book of baby!Loki around the avengers mansion and I might colour them and write some more parts of this story when I have time.


End file.
